When one thinks of vampire hunters, images ofHugh Jackman’s Gabriel Van Helsing inVan Helsing, orGuillermo (Harvey Guillén)fromWhat We Do in the Shadowsare usually the first to come to mind. But that’s in-the-box thinking. Think outside the box. Who could take on a vampire?John Cena, maybe? Hm, right initials, wrong guy. Think about it — vampires are averse to crucifixes, so who better than the guy who’s on them?That’s right. Jesus Christ himself would be the ultimate vampire hunter. But how in the unholy basement would that work?
Well, count your blessings, because a Canadian director,Lee Demarbre, has already looked at that scenario and committed it to film, with actorPhil Caracasas the Lord, here on Earth in the present. That film is 2001’sJesus Christ Vampire Hunter, and it has everything you’d expect: vampires, lesbians, atheists, a mad doctor, a big musical number, and a Mexican wrestler known as El Santo (“the Saint”) played byJeff Moffet. Okay, maybe no one would expect that; nor would one expect a film that features a revered figure as avampire hunterto actually be reverential. And they sure as he… unholy basement wouldn’t expectsuch a bat-s**t crazy concept to sit at80% on Rotten Tomatoes.So read on aboutJesus Christ Vampire Hunter, a miracle worthy of its namesake.
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
In a modern-day city, Jesus Christ reappears to confront a rising vampire threat targeting vulnerable populations. Joined by El Santo, a legendary Mexican wrestler, and a group of eclectic allies, he uses both his holy abilities and martial arts prowess to fight the undead menace. As the vampires' attacks intensify, particularly against the lesbian community, Jesus leads a determined effort to eradicate the evil and restore peace.
‘Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter’ is as Crazy as it Sounds
A narrator (Ivan Freud) who looks disturbingly likeRasputinintroduces the story: Lesbians in Ottawa are living in fear, with vampires attacking them at night and, somehow, during the day. Catholic priest Father Eustace (Tim Devries) comes to the conclusion thatonly one man can take on the hordes of vampires that have taken residence in the city: Jesus Christ. Two priests are sent to the beach, where Jesus is baptizing newcomers to the faith, and tell him about the vampire problem. Suddenly, there are three vampires, including Maxine Shreck (Murielle Varhelyi), one of the vampire leaders. The vampires kill the priests, but Jesus uses the lake as holy water to take care of two of them. Maxine, however, escapes. Jesus heads into the city, where he gets a haircut, does a big song and dance number, and buys wood to make stakes for his mission. He’s confronted by two atheists, who challenge him. And not just them, but 30 more atheists that pop out of the car, likea bad circus act. Undaunted, Jesus defeats them all, leaving a pile of atheists behind. Or maybe an abundance of atheists? An amalgamation of atheists? What’s the plural?
Jesus is soon joined by Mary Magnum, a vampire hunter herself, and they infiltrate the hospital. They learn that mad scientist — because there’s never a normal scientist in these things —Dr. Praetorious (Josh Grace) is the one behind the murders of local lesbians, using them as fodder for skin transplants that make the vampires immune to daylight. They are challenged by Maxine and Johnny Golgotha (Ian Driscoll), another of the lead vampires, and the fight is taken to the rooftop. It doesn’t go well, with Mary getting turned into a vampire and taken away, and Jesus roughed up pretty badly. He manages to crawl down to the street and calls for help, where a trans person (Jose Sanchez) stops and takes Jesus to his apartment for care.
The next day, Jesus' father, God, speaks to him through a bowl of cherries and encourages him to reach out to Mexican wrestler El Santo for help. After his arrival, the pair slay dozens of vampires at a nightclub, but El Santo and his assistant are captured. The next day, Jesus meets Johnny, Maxine, Mary, and Father Eustace, who is now also a vampire, at a junkyard. Jesus fights them all, while simultaneously fighting Dr. Praetorius at the hospital. Back at the junkyard, Eustace stabs Jesus with a stake, but instead of killing him, it results in a bright, blinding light shining from the wound, killing both Eustace and Johnny. Having won the day, Jesus then turns and cures Maxine, Mary, and another vampire (one that El Santo has fallen for) of their vampirism.The movie ends with Jesus preaching, asking people to think for themselves.
‘Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter’ is Too Silly to be Offensive
One reviewer on Rotten Tomatoes, Rob Gonsalves,astutely says thatJesus Christ Vampire Hunter"will offend those who are offended by the very title." He’s not wrong. The title alone would earn the wrath of conservatives nationwide, andit’s ridiculous — both the reasoning why and the film itself. Simply put,the film is so overwhelmingly absurd that it plays as a parody of classic B-films, like those ofEd Wood. Punches don’t connect. Kicks miss their target by feet, not inches, and yet those targets still fall. The dialogue is laughable, yet delivered with gravitas, like my personal favorite quote from Dr. Praetorius: “We’re running short on skin. We’ll need to harvest more lesbians.” Jesus rides a skateboard, his Father talks to him from a bowl of cherries, and his mother from a Virgin Mary light. And did I mention the Mexican wrestler?
Films that feature Jesus as anything other than being a spotless, perfect man, free of any sin, are always open to controversy. TheBroadway debut ofJesus Christ Superstarin 1971 was knee-deep in it, with protests every single night. Why? Because there was an implied romantic relationship between Jesus and Mary Magdalene. Because Judas was cast in a sympathetic light. Because, horror of horrors, Jesus was depicted as a man dealing with doubts, fear, and even anger. The release of thefilm version andGodspell, in 1973was met with controversy for similar reasons, and that has largely been the case across the board. EvenMonty Python’s Life of Brianwas hailed as blasphemous, despite the members of the famed troupegoing out of their waynotto lampoonJesus.Jesus Christ Vampire Hunterhas no such problems, as the film takes things to extreme, comical distances. Jesus riding a skateboard doesn’t even get close to anything Jesus did in life.
‘Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter’ is Surprisingly Reverential
While it is absurd in every sense of the word,Jesus Christ Vampire Hunteris far deeper than it appears, and, surprisingly, respectable with its hero. Jesus may be fighting vampires, but not once in the film does he do anything that could be considered sacrilegious. He heals the lame, gives an old woman the strength to cross the street without a walker, raises the dead, cures lepers… sorry, vampires, and more. The film is rife with allusions to the Bible, most notably the parable of the Good Samaritan, with a cross-dresser coming to Jesus' aid after he was ignored by a priest and a cop passing by. Jesus offers a lemonade to Father Eustace, assuaging Eustace’s concern about having enough for all, a clear nod to the tale of the loaves and fishes. When one vampire is overjoyed at the thought of killing Jesus, he quips, “Clearly you don’t know how the story ends.” The inclusion of El Santo as an aide for Jesus in his fight could imply that the wrestler is an apostle of Christ or maybe even the Holy Spirit.
Where the film earns its praise, though, is in its brilliant pro-Christ, anti-Church messages. Some are more pointed than others but they’re impactful nonetheless. When Jesus learns about the situation from Father Eustace, Eustace makes it clear that the Church has turned a blind eye to the lesbians of the city, deeming them deviants and unworthy of their aid, to which Jesus says there is nothing deviant about love, asking, “When will they learn that it is not for them to judge?” The cross-dresser is a perfect modern-day example of a Samaritan, a member of a community widely scorned in Jesus' time, with protests and anger constantly being hurled toward drag queens and the LGBTQ+ community in today’s world. Jesus implores a group of gathered people, another Biblical reference, this time to the Sermon on the Mount, not to blindly follow the Church but to think for themselves (which leads to a very clever shot at technology, with Jesus' speech about listening to the message, not the messenger, followed up by a chorus of cell phones ringing).
There’s one quote from the film that Jesus delivers that sums the film up:“Not even this separates you from my love.” It works on many levels, as a statement about the film itself, the lifestyles of the characters, and the attempts at skewing the words of Christ into personal agendas.And it’s the same message that He delivered yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunteris available to stream in the U.S. on Tubi.
